


die inside these arms

by emlof



Category: Naruto
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-15 20:55:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16071173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emlof/pseuds/emlof
Summary: Kakashi wakes up early and has a quiet revelation.





	die inside these arms

It’s early when Kakashi wakes up, morning light just barely starting to filter through the curtains. The world outside is still and quiet, the silence only broken by a few birds letting out sleepy chirps that float through the open window. It’s been hot, lately, but overnight something seems to have shifted and the room is noticeably cooler than when he fell asleep. Kakashi thinks he can taste something crisp and cool on the air, something promising brisk mornings, breath visible in the air and crunching leaves underfoot. 

He could get up, he thinks, but there’s nothing pressing on his agenda and staying ensconced in bed, fending off the morning chill with his comforter and the warm body pressed up against him is much more enticing, somehow. 

Iruka shifts next to him, still sound asleep and unconsciously burrowing deeper under the blankets. No, Kakashi thinks, looking down fondly, no reason to get up. He’ll stay right here. 

He watches the morning unfold across Iruka’s face, how the light falling on the faint wrinkles around his eyes changes from the cool light of dawn to the warmer glow of the rising sun. The birds are waking in earnest now; he can hear them singing out their presence in response to the rising sun.

Iruka will tease him later if he admits that he’s been watching the younger man sleep again.

“Kakashi,” he’ll say, eyes sparkling with amusement, “we’ve talked about how that’s a little creepy, right?”

Kakashi will just grin cheekily at him, eyes crinkling at the corners. “Maa, Iruka, you should know it’s your fault – one look at your sleeping face and I just can’t look away. Have you trapped me with some kind of jutsu?”

Iruka will huff at that and turn away, trying to disguise his blush, and Kakashi will laugh, loud and joyful, and Iruka will probably turn around to shout at him or elbow him in the ribs. It’s a conversation they’ve had many times over, a comfortable sort of bickering. 

It’s not something Kakashi ever anticipated having, the stability that allows a routine like that to develop. Even now it takes his breath away. 

He closes his eyes again and tugs Iruka closer to his chest, pressing a kiss to the sleeping man’s shoulder. He loves him like this, all warm skin and sleepy sighs and messy hair getting in Kakashi’s mouth. 

A snore drifts in from the main room, where Iruka had convinced Naruto to stay on the spare futon after a late night of heated debate over a treaty with the Mist. Kakashi smiles at the memory of their arguing, Naruto insisting that he was a perfectly capable shinobi and could walk himself home, what sort of village did Iruka think he was running anyways, before Iruka finally gave up on the bickering and just admitted that he hadn’t seen enough of Naruto lately and wanted him to stay. 

Naruto had shyly accepted in the face of that confession, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly as a wide smile broke out on his face and a blush rose high on his cheeks. 

Although Kakashi had stayed out of their argument, he has been quietly pleased with the result, ruffling his former student’s hair and grinning as Naruto had squawked indignantly at still being treated like a member of a genin team. 

The memory has the yellow glow of late nights spent with precious people, of tired smiles and helpless laughter and speaking through a yawn. Kakashi keeps the feeling of it close to his chest, golden and treasured and safe. It feels like home, like family, and he lets the realization – a sudden knowledge that isn’t really sudden at all, an acceptance of something he’s known for a long time now – wash over him, basks in the warmth of it. 

Eventually he hears Iruka let out one deep sigh followed by suspiciously even breathing, a sure sign he’s awake but doesn’t want to admit to it. 

A soft breeze is blowing through the window, and the curtains billow gently into the room. Kakashi never wants to leave. Instead of saying it out loud he just lifts a hand and combs it through Iruka’s hair, basking in the soft sigh the other man lets out in response. 

Iruka rolls over, turning so can face Kakashi and press a kiss against his chin.

“Morning,” he murmurs, voice still rough with sleep. Kakashi just returns the kiss, finding Iruka’s lips and taking pleasure in the way his eyes flutter shut again in response. 

Something about Iruka’s gentle hum against his mouth makes Kakashi ache, soft and sweet. He pulls back, slow and sure of what he needs Iruka to know.

“Iruka,” he begins, looking away but feeling the other man shift in his arms in response, “when I die—” 

“Kakashi—” Iruka tries to cut him off but Kakashi presses on, intent on getting the words out.

“When I die,” he repeats, softer, “don’t let them put my ashes at the Hatake compound.”

Iruka stills in his arms and Kakashi finally dares to glance back down at him. He’s looking up at Kakashi, concern and uncertainty flickering across his features.

“What?” he breathes out, so quiet that Kakashi wouldn’t know he had spoken if he hadn’t been close enough to feel the whisper of air against his skin. “Kakashi, what are you talking about? Are you alright?”

Kakashi nods, hoping to soothe the apprehension in Iruka’s eyes. “I’m alright,” he says gently. 

He’s long accepted that, of the two of them, he will be the first to go – he knows his face is in far more bingo books than Iruka’s, and years of abusing his body on missions have taken their toll. Even in times of peace he cannot rest too easily. He doesn’t think it will happen anytime soon but it’s been on his mind for weeks now, and something about the pale light of the morning on Iruka’s sleeping form clarified the path forward, solid thoughts forming around what had previously been abstract concerns.

“I’m alright,” he continues, “I’ve just been thinking - well. It wouldn’t feel right, is all. Being there.” He stops at that. The thoughts may have clarified, but he hasn’t come up with words to go with them, and he wants to get this right, _needs_ Iruka to understand.

Before him Iruka still looks unsure, but the immediate concern has faded from his eyes, leaving just a small undercurrent of worry in its wake. He’s quiet, waiting for Kakashi to collect his thoughts and speak. He’s always been patient, for Kakashi.

“It’s just that it hasn’t been my home for a long time,” Kakashi continues, trailing off. He doesn’t know how to say it. 

“Where, then?” Iruka asks gently, bringing his hand up to cup Kakashi’s cheek and softly stroking his thumb across a faded scar on his jaw. He doesn’t understand, Kakashi realizes, hasn’t picked up on what Kakashi is trying to say. Something snaps in him, at the thought of Iruka not understanding, and he just blurts it out.

“Here—” Iruka stiffens against him but Kakashi keeps going, forcing himself to be utterly honest for once in his life, “here, Iruka. At home. Your – _our_ home. It’s where they’ll belong.”

It’s not the way he would have phrased it, if he had actually thought carefully about his words and what he’s trying so desperately to communicate. He wishes he could have said it beautifully, for Iruka, but Kakashi knows he’s never had that ability and this stuttering, stumbling confession is the best he can do. 

It’s his turn to be tense, now, looking down at Iruka, who’s frozen with a shellshocked look on his face. 

For a moment Kakashi feels his heart sink, fears he’s misunderstood and Iruka didn’t want to hear what he’s just told him. But then he hears a hitching breath as Iruka goes to speak.

 _“Oh,”_ Iruka lets out a shaky breath, looking up at Kakashi in wonder before ducking his head. 

Kakashi hears a quiet sniff. “Of course. _Of course,”_ Iruka stutters out, voice choked with emotion, and then he’s pulling Kakashi into a kiss, hard and desperate, and if their eyes are a little watery when they finally pull apart neither is going to mention it. 

It doesn’t matter that he couldn’t say it beautifully, Kakashi realizes as he tilts his forehead against Iruka’s. The message got through, in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> postscript: 
> 
> They lay in silence for a long time, content to simply listen to one another's soft breathing. It's Iruka who breaks the silence first.
> 
> "Not that I'm upset, but what brought this on?" he finally murmurs against Kakashi's neck, looking up at him with hooded eyes.
> 
> "I had a lot of time to think, this morning. While I was watching you sleep," Kakashi admits, a little sheepish. 
> 
> He can feel the puff of air as Iruka breathes out a laugh at that.
> 
> "'s creepy, Kakashi," he grumbles, hitting him with a pillow the way Kakashi knew he would.
> 
> \---
> 
> title (and story inspiration) from "Naked as We Came" by Iron & Wine


End file.
